Healthy embarrassment, the bane and blessing of all unpleasant but not painful feelings. A source of fear and anxiety, a faithful companion of discomfort, ingredients of shame and emotion that give all those moments a strong taste of inadequacy; how to handle an embarrassing question? How to manage this unpleasant feeling?
Most people don't realize that it is actually possible to handle these kinds of situations with elegance and skill by using etiquette rules and a bit of simple common sense.
It is also important to remember that shame is nothing more than one of the fundamental emotions, both a positive element of an individual's emotional life and a negative one. Ignoring the feeling of shame means trying to sweep under the rug warning signs of more serious issues.
Clearly, trying to unravel this very broad and complex topic in a single article is not exactly easy, which is why today...
A Matter of Analysis
The first thing to do is to understand the context you are in, trying to figure out what is allowed and what is not.
You need to ask yourself several questions internally before actually giving any kind of answer:
- What kind of relationship do you have with the person you're speaking to?
- What is the topic being discussed?
- Where are you?
Simply answering these three questions allows you to understand your scope of action and room for maneuver. Once you understand this, you can try to use one of the many possible techniques, aiming to balance elegance and intelligence.
Knowing How to Distract
Let's start with the basic technique to try to get out of a discussion you don't want to participate in: shift the attention to an external element. By diverting the topic to something happening around the questioner, you can effectively shift the focus of the discussion and avoid an uncomfortable question.
However, there are several factors that can make this technique ineffective: first, you need to be convincing when changing the subject, not showing embarrassment but genuine surprise about the thing you want to talk about; secondly, timing is even more important.
A conversation shifted several seconds after the question starts only highlights the thought "I am extremely embarrassed to answer this, better to talk about anything else" whereas a conversation shifted even before the question ends can seem more convincing to outside observers.
The Third Wheel
Another evergreen technique for these situations is undoubtedly the third wheel, that is, verbally bringing a third person into the conversation. This allows attention to shift elsewhere and, with some luck, the question to fade away in the flow of conversation.
Another advantage of this technique is being able to give a more generic answer, leveraging the fact that there is another person whose opinion is requested and on whom you can rely.
The problem with this technique is that it all depends on the other person you want to bring into the discussion. You can't involve a stranger in any kind of discussion, while it's different with friends and family. In the case of a colleague, perhaps because you're talking about work, the best thing to do is to try to limit yourself as much as possible from giving any qualitative judgments.
Using Frankness and Honesty to Your Advantage
A very elegant way to get out of a difficult conversation is to not be afraid and to face the possible awkward moment with politeness, the most powerful weapon of all.
What does this mean? Simply answering "this question makes me uncomfortable, I would prefer not to answer" allows you to skillfully bypass many problems related to this kind of conversation.
There is no better behavioral tool than politely stating your position and maintaining it. When words are expressed kindly, with courteous and appropriate manners, everyone can only feel they have had a satisfactory interaction.
This strategy, after all, is not very different from what some politicians do in interpersonal communication.
A Few Summary Words on the Topic
It's important to understand the reasons why you want to dodge a question that embarrasses you. Does this question trigger low self-esteem? Is it a question that pushes you toward topics you don't want to discuss or that make you feel uneasy?
We are human beings and clearly can't succeed at everything: what we need to internalize, however, is that people tend to be more accommodating when treated with honesty and kindness. Attacks on one's personality exist, and it's legitimate to think about your own safety or the meaning of others' words; the important thing is to be aware of the situations you are in.
Nothing can improve the situation more than a full smile, even when you feel embarrassed.